I woke up this morning victim to my mind and its inability to shut itself off. I wonder why I don’t sleep and then I know who to blame: my head. I feel like there is no “off” button for my thinking and usually, it’s circuital thinking. Round and round it goes!
I’ll start thinking about one thing, which leads to another, and another and eventually I’ll arrive back at the same exact thing I was thinking. Really, truly, honestly, it’s like I’m a hamster in a wheel. This is what I think of when I think about my thinking: TURBO HAMSTER!
Last night I fell asleep with my phone in my hand. This morning, I woke up with my phone still in my hand. I realized that I still had my glasses on, too. I really did just pass out. I’m fairly certain I didn’t move – I woke up cotton mouthed and thirsty, too. Yet, I woke up thinking and thinking and thinking.
This morning, though, while driving on the way to work I started thinking about a bad little word called judgement. It’s truly a word and an action that I don’t like. We are human beings and all of us, at one point or another, has made a judgmental remark or comment. If you haven’t then I will personally hand you a one way, first class ticket to Heaven, because there must be a Heaven if I find someone like you.
I don’t like this action because I don’t like all of the things that go along with it. In order to be judgmental, completely judgmental, you have to know everything there is to know about a person. Now, if you know what that person is thinking at all times, where they have been, what they have gone through, then I suppose you could judge them. Though, the actuality of someone being capable of knowing all that there is to know about a person is rare. Furthermore, if you do know all that there is to know about a person then I feel that those are the people who love you for all the things you’ve done; good or bad, small or big, stupid or amazing, they love you for your flaws. Those are the people who love you for you.
However, what usually happens when you become judgmental about someone is that you start making assumptions about them, their situation, their life – and you know what they say about assumptions? Yes, you’ve all heard it – it makes you an ass!
I fear judgment. I fear it as I fear death. Simply, that I means I just accept it. People are going to judge me for this divorce, but they don’t know the true or whole story. People are going to judge me when I kiss another man, or woman and say that its “too soon.” People are going to judge me when they find out I left, and that since I was the one who pulled the trigger, that inevitably that makes me the bad person. Judgement is going to happen. This is not like the rapture, where there is a possibility that Jesus is going to come – this is a certainty. I will be judged and I hate it.
Though, at the same time, one of my best friends who knows me and knows the whole story said to me, “Sam, those people were never your friends to begin with, so why care about them?” It’s true. The people who judge me for anything that I do, especially in a negative way, were never my friends to begin with. I really shouldn’t care about them, but the simple fact is – I do care. I don’t want people to hate me for what I’ve done – it’s hard enough going through what I’m going through with having to fear the judgment that comes along with it.
What I want people to do is look at me and see me for me: a strong, bullheaded individual who needed to be able to stand on her own two feet without the help of anyone else. A woman who needed to find herself and find who she really is. A woman who cares about everyone and will at the drop of a hat come rushing to anyone who ever asks for her help. A woman who tries to see the good in everything, but does have a bit of pessimism in her that can complicate things.
I want people to see that I’m happy now and that I haven’t been that way for some time. I want people to realize that there is a stress that has been removed from my shoulders. I want people to see that I’m a smart person who doesn’t make decisions off a whim. I want people see that I deliberated for months on the proper course of action.
I want people to see that I am Sam. That I am strong.
Judge me, go on, you know you wanna.