Someone recently said to me, “I don’t mean to be a downer, but how are you remaining so calm and level headed? I’d be sitting on my bed every night with a box of tissues…I’ve not read about heartbreak yet.”
The truth of the matter is that I simply don’t like writing about it, but after the conversation with her, I feel I do need to get it out there. Don’t worry, this isn’t an obligatory post.
I don’t like writing about heartbreak because every time I’ve tried before it ends up sounding like a melodramatic high school girl who just got ditched before Prom. Can’t you see it? The dorky little girl with braces and glasses waiting on the front door step in a dress that is far too old for her and a hairstyle that could be as confusing as one of those wooden puzzles that you have to figure out how to put back together. There she sits on that front step with her elbow on her knee and her chin resting in her hand. She’s sad. She’s lost. She’s alone. It sucks.
I don’t believe that I’ve mentioned this in past entries, but I’m currently reading “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott. It’s a book about writing and its a book about life. My favorite chapter thus far has been “Shitty First Drafts.” Basically, she says to write your shitty first draft and just get everything you can out of you onto the page. Nobody is going to read it, but it should serve as a platter for you to go pick out all of the things that you really wanted to say. I’ve written six “Shitty First Drafts” for this post and this is my final attempt to write this entry.
I think that the reason that I’m able to remain so composed and so level headed about all of this is because I was the one who “pulled the trigger” so to speak. For lack of better words, I’ve had my heart break for a long time and I’ve had my cries late at night. I’ve been ready. There was one day back in November that I spent four hours laying on the bathroom floor in tears. I’ve had my heart break, I’ve had a lot of it, but I’ve also had the time to prepare for all of it. I’m a little numb to it now, honestly, and the only thing that I can do is push forward, day by day, hour by hour. I’m also trying to not dwell on this and I’m trying to remain positive. I mean, it does suck – but, this is also life. If life were easy I think it would be quite boring. In fact, if life were easy, I imagine that there wouldn’t be any real point in living it.
My heartbreak is a learning experience. I know now what I didn’t know then about myself, about love, about life, about companionship and about being your own person. I know what you can do in a relationship and I definitely know what you shouldn’t do. My “heart” is definitely damaged and it’s going to take me a long time to heal properly, but such is life. Everything in life can be taken as positive experience and I just have to keep remembering that, and everyone else should, too. You learn every single day about life – everyday is a new day and a day that you can learn something about yourself, about lies and decent, about love, about friendship, about honesty – so at the end of the day ask yourself “What can I take away from today that will better me for tomorrow?”
I’ve learned from my heartbreak that I am strong. I’ve learned from this that I’m independent and determined. I’ve learned that if you can’t love yourself and be a little narcissistic from time to time, then you’re not honest with yourself. To quote one of my favorite authors, William Faulkner says, “Unless you’re ashamed of yourself now and then, you’re not honest.” The most important person in this world is you and you should never forget it. Love yourself before you love someone else and never be content with what you have. Contemptuous attitude leads to complacency, and to me, that’s the worst thing you could have. Always strive to be better than you are. Always push and fight for the things you want in your life. Never settle, but that’s also not to say that you can’t be happy with what you have or appreciative, but just don’t fall into a dull, monotonous routine that prevents you from happiness. I’ve learned that while my heart is broken I will be okay, I will be happy, and that life does go on whether you want it to or not. It’s the funny thing about life – it doesn’t slow down for you just because you want it to, in fact, I think it speeds up.
I’m off my soap box now, but this is my heartbreak, and it’s a learning experience. My heart may be broken, but it will mend. I am strong enough for it to.