I am a grouchy, grouchy person when I’m sick; and not just the tenderhearted “meeh, moooooooom, I don’t feel good” grouch. I’m like a maniac tweaking from not enough drugs, grouch. I’m like Oscar the Grouch on roids, type grouch. I’m like the plastic girl who fights over the last pair of shoes at a closeout sale, grouch. Grouchy-Mc-Tastic right here.
You get it yet? I’m grouchy.
This is a grouchy post. I’m warning you, if you don’t want to read my being grouchy, you should stop now.
Still reading? Your fault. I warned you. I’m tired of being good enough to not be good enough. It’s like I teeter on this edge of invisible edge of “Sam’s a great x, y, z” but “sorry, Sam, you’re just not good enough”. I’m starting to think I have this invisible cancerous hole in my forehead that sucks in all of the potential goodness I have towards achieving anything that I actually want to achieve. It’s really hard to be cut from something three times and to fall into the “we really wanted to take you, but” bullshit.
I feel like I’ve succumbed to this a lot recently. Not just in frisbee, where I happen to currently have the most amount of disdain, but in a lot of other ways. I’m 25 years old and if I ever wanted to change jobs, I can’t. It’s the case of “Sam, we know you’re really smart, but you’ve not finished college yet.” Or “Sam, I’m sorry, we had a place for you, but it was leased out from under you” or “Sam, I’ll be your friend under these provisions”. I just feel like a yo-yo of emotions. I’m up and down instantly and I keep having disappointment smack me square between the eyes.
So, what is disappointment? Is there anything I can actually learn from this? I’ve been on this huge kick of learning to soak up everything and learning from my success and my failures. The problem is, with this, I don’t know what I can learn. I just hate being good enough to not be good enough. Disappointment is an emotion. It’s a reactionary emotion to a situation in your life. It’s the feeling of regression, the feeling of loss or, in my case, it’s a feeling of feeble attempt for success. Though, am I really even that disappointed? I honestly think that I’m just so sick, physically, that mentally I’m just drained. I’m just ready to stop feeling like I’m 2nd, 3rd, 4th best to everyone. I just wish I could find something that made me shine.