Today is Monday. And today is the last Monday before the start of my newest adventure. Today has been like any normal Monday where I wake up, usually too late to get ready for work properly, quickly showering and using the highway as a hair dryer. However, this Monday is different. This Monday is the last Monday before I officially move into my new apartment. This Monday I am terrified.
So much is in front of me, and so much of it has the potential to completely rip me to shreds. All of a sudden I’m staring down the next seven days as a potential recipe for disaster as opposed to how I had been staring down the last two months as a recipe for individuality and freedom. This flood, this rush of panic, this completely irrational fear consumed me last night and I couldn’t sleep. This quest for individuality and freedom could very well result in the blanketed web of failure. Everyone could be right. I’ve got what I asked for. I am alone, very alone, in this whole world of adult decisions and having only one person to justify anything to…myself. That. Is. TERRIFYING. I am the sole decision maker in my life now. I don’t have to check in, or ask someone if they “wouldn’t mind” if I did things, or went somewhere, or bought something. Now I realize that I have set myself up for a potentially disastrous downfall. What if I needed someone to have to rationalize my spending to? What if he was right the entire time and I am going to fall flat on my face because I am some frivolous over spender and I’ve just never realized it? What if he was right.
I move in seven days.
We are all hypocrites; those who say they fear nothing are liars. Fear is not a completely irrational emotion, it’s a dictating and driving emotion that makes us act in very odd ways. Albeit, irrational behavior does stem from fear. I’ve said this before, that I’m very much so like a puffer fish, all full of air but I can pretend to be big and strong, but it is a very accurate representation of me. Some people hide from fear, some people avoid it, and others, like myself, have this facade of strength that they present to everyone, but when alone they end up laying on the floor of their bathroom for four hours in a panic attack. I was excited to move to my apartment, I was excited to have my
own place, but what if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew? What if my apartment is too big, too nice, too expensive? What about all the stuff I want for my apartment? It was my dream – a very easily shattered dream – that I was going to be completely okay in this new place. That I would be able to survive. I don’t even have this apartment yet and I’m already afraid of it. Maybe I am going to spend too much money living there alone. Maybe I should have thought with more caution and just moved in with a group of people and only paid $200 a month for some huge house. Maybe an apartment where I’m moving isn’t in the best of places? What happens if I do fail? He will be right and I will be wrong…
I’m being completely irrational, I’m absolutely aware of such, but at the same time, fear is dictating and driving me in circles. I’ve been learning a lot about myself lately. I’ve learned that when I’m pushed by people, I cut them out of my life. I’ve learned that when I’m afraid, I don’t like to be bothered. I’ve learned that people are arrogant and make up wild accusations about others in order to hide themselves from their own flaws, but more than anything I’ve learned that I am terrified of living my dream. In part, I’m not sure what my dream is, but I do know that I couldn’t sleep last night and have hardly been able to think today. Fear is driving me and I don’t have control over the wheel. The only thing I can do right now is buckle up and hold on tight. I think I’ll close my eyes now and hope I don’t end up in oncoming traffic.