I work in an office. I’ve been working full time since I was16 at various different places: restaurants, car dealerships, photo printing companies and now, a doctors office. I’m 25, I’ve been sitting at this very desk for 40 hours a week, Monday thru Friday, from 8:30-5pm since February 2007. There are a lot things that have come to annoy me; some are hilarious little quirks, others are full on dumbfounded things that continuously happen on a daily basis. I’ve decided to share. I needed to write a funny post, so in lieu of the funny post, here they are, in no particular order.
1. Lotion. Lotion, you say? Lotion. Really Samantha, Lotion? Oh my good god, yes. Lotion. Currently at my desk I have four bottles of it – one smells like “Christmas”, it’s called Winter Forest by Williams-Sonoma that my Practice Admin gave me for Christmas last year. It has a pine, winter green smell to it, but the only time I can use it is when my office mate who literally sits less than two feet behind me isn’t in the office. She says it reminds her of Gin. She can’t drink Gin. Gin is the devils juice to her.
The other three remaining lotions smell of grapefruit, brown sugar vanilla and lemongrass. All of these scents are appropriate and office mate approved for wearing. So, why is lotion annoying? Here’s why – because everyone in the entire office knows that I have it. Aside from the office mate, who shares everything with me and therefore I share everything with her, people will, at random, come up with their coy little smiles of “Hey Sam, can I use some lotion?” What am I supposed to do? Say no? “No, dammit, you can’t use my lotion! I’m sorry your little paws feel like sandpaper – get your own!” Instead, I smile, and say “what flavor would you like?” You have to please these people – you see them everyday.
The other thing about lotion that annoys me is when you’ve not used a bottle in a while. All of my lotions have the pump that you press where the lotion shoots out of its “nose” (they look like ducks, if you really give them a good look). Well, if you’ve not used the lotion in a while and you happily put one hand under its nose and use the other hand to press down, you get this block of harden lotion followed by, usually, way too much due to this initial blockage. It’s frustrating, and it creeps me out, because the lotion feels gross. This is why lotion annoys me.
2. The People Who Need Attention: You know the type, that is, if you’ve ever worked in an office. The person who, by an large, is a sweet person and means well, but is just overly aggressive in needing to tell you about their bowel movements, frequency, size, color, husbands or wives longevity, the color of their kids throw up, or how annoying their children have been. These are the kind of people that upon seeing them walking towards your office you quickly pick up the phone to hear the telephone dial tone but you say, “Hi, thanks for holding, this is Sam. How can I help you?” and begin making up the most random, delusional stories in order to only smile at the person walking to you, point to your phone on your ear and smile with the “oh, so sorry!” expression inevitably to hear the beep of the phone after not actually making a call. These people are annoying.
3. The Office Know-it-all: These are the people who annoy the crap out of me. They are the people who like to pretend like they are all high and mighty, that they know all that is to be known about their jobs and your job, too, for that matter. What annoys me about the particular one in my office is that if you ask her a question, she only gives you enough of the answer to let you know that she knows it, or knows how to do x, y, or z, but wont give you the full answer to actually be of any use. I just simply avoid this person. I’ve worked with her for almost five years – I’ve maybe had four, serious, conversations with her. She kind of reminds me of the boss from Office Space, minus the power. Thank. God.
4. The Bathroom Etiquette: Shit Happens. People don’t feel well, they ate something funny at lunch, loaded on too much hot sauce, you know – something. It happens. . . I’m aware. However, at least be courteous about it. If you unload an ungodly package of stink, think about maybe using the air freshener and keeping the door shut just a little longer than you normally would before leaving the bathroom. (Our office is single bathrooms located down a hallway). Also, wash your damn hands.
Re: washing your hands. If you wash your hands and you’re the type that leaves a swamp of water surrounding the sink, I hate you. Seriously, because I’m the one who always leans up against the sink to wash my hands, and I’m always the one who looks like I’ve pissed myself when I leave because of you, jackass. Paper towels are wonderful, and they aren’t always just for your hands.
5. Lunch Room Etiquette: In my office, we only get 30 minutes. Please, don’t talk with your mouth full. If you have something to say, and if you have food in your mouth, you can either wait the remaining fifteen seconds it takes to properly chew your food, or, at the very least, put your hand in front of your mouth and talk.
Please, if your dinner stunk last night when you made it, and you bring it in to microwave it and it leaves the entire office smelling like your stinky dinner, it’s annoying. I’m not talking about spices, because spices smell good, but the other day someone put something in the microwave that smelled like cat litter.
Also, I do realize we work in a medical office, but lets leave the gross stuff for when we aren’t eating.
6. The Close Talker: Thankfully, I don’t have one of these anymore. However, at my old, old job, I had the worse close talker imaginable. She was also this gigantic woman, resembling that of Madame Maxine from Harry Potter, so not only when she spoke too close to me, she nearly suffocated me with her largeness. She also liked to corner people. She cornered me frequently. I felt trapped. It was terrifying. She was the kind that I would see coming and want to start knocking over chairs and office files creating a complete havoc to escape from.
7. The People Who Don’t Think: I understand how number seven deals in ambiguities, but I will describe these people specifically. These are the people who call to ask you questions about things that are blatantly obvious. These people remind me of the girl from Mean Girls who says, “There’s a 30% chance that it’s already raining” while grabbing her magical weather boob while standing in a downpour. These are the people that you have to just grit your teeth and smile while you give them the answer that is basically sitting right in front of them. These people are special people. They just need a little love. Oh, these people are also the people who print off emails that were sent to both you and them and they decide to leave a paper copy on your desk….face/palm.