There are people in this world who are completely able to function in the realm of passive aggressiveness. They are able to keep their mouths shut, pass judgement, or delegate anger or otherwise to various aspects of their lives. I am not this type of person – I am a big mouth. I’m not saying that all people who filter their words between brain and mouth are passive aggressive, rather, that I envy them.
…it’s a blessing and a curse.
The reason my big, overly opinionated, ridiculously loud mouth is a blessing is because at any given point in my relationship with friends, or significant others, you know where you stand with me (minus the whole ex – he was the only one I wasn’t able to be like this to. Don’t ask me why, I don’t really know). I’m incredibly forward, sometimes completely lacking any tact, and say just about whatever it is I feel like saying. Sometimes I really don’t realize the repercussions of my quick tongue until it’s about twenty minutes, or sometimes immediately, too late. I’m aggressive, I’m opinionated and I’m very open. All of these things are defining of me – of who I am and why I am the way I am. It’s also defining of how I am unable to learn to filter from brain to mouth. Word vomit, thank you Mean Girls, but it’s completely accurate. For those unfamiliar with the movie, or concept, it’s when you’ve said something and you can feel it pouring out of your mouth, and all you want to do is shove it back in, yet it escapes and spills its toxicity all over the place.
Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve been so angry at someone, at what they’ve done or what they’ve said, and you’ve been in the midst of an argument, when, about fifteen minutes after you’ve left the situation you think of the perfect thing to say in retaliation? It’s the perfect come back; the knife in the heart, the kick in the gut, the punch in the kidneys – it’s the quintessential asshole response that you so desperately wanted to say out of spite. I can promise you, if you ever experience this perfect retaliation, where you sock em’ down with the one-two punch, it’s not nearly as gratifying as you think. In fact, it’s painfully awful to watch. The only thing that this venomous response does is cripple them, bringing them down to their knees and you get to watch as all the passion (regardless of that passion being out of anger at you) fades and the tears that were out of anger are now out of absolute sadness and roll innocently down their cheeks. You ruin something inside someone; it’s not as gratifying as you think, I can promise you – it will hurt you more than it will make you feel good about yourself. I know know this feeling, I’ve been on both ends, and I can tell you right now, it really sucks.
For this exact reason my mouth is a curse. I have a hard time shutting off the overly insensitive side of myself. Quite simply, I tell it as it is, and sometimes that is only viewed as being an asshole, or a bitch. I’m sorry – I’m very honest and sometimes that’s highly appreciated and other times, not at all. I think, though, that as someone recently said to me, “subtly isn’t your strong suit” and that this is probably the biggest thing I need to focus on. I’m also ridiculously terrible at hiding my emotions and I have that quick, Italian temper. Both of which don’t help my cause on any level. I’ve started to realize that it’s something that has come to define me; the aggressive, sometimes overzealous personality that is coupled with a bit of obsessive compulsiveness that prevents me from being able to handle the idiosyncratic personalities of those who always seem to surround me. Moreover, I need to develop a little bit of patience and perhaps a little bit more understanding that there are those around me who do not, will not, and more importantly, cannot function on the same obsessive compulsive disorder that prevents me from, on most levels, behaving as a normal individual.
In preparation for this hopeful reevaluation of my life, I’ve started to evaluate a lot about myself, and why it is I am (at times) so easy frustrated by people and their idiosyncratic behavior. I am a firm believer that we are all products of our own well created, overly embellished, environment that allows us to act like complete baboons. My environment is high stress. My environment is a strenuous, up hill battle of needing perfection, needing completion and needing gratification in what I’m doing. I push myself to the limits and then some and I think that I become so easily frustrated with people because people seem to never take responsibility for anything anymore. Not my friends, this doesn’t pertain to them, but just the population in general. Sometimes, yes, I definitely pop-off to my friends when I get frustrated for their lack of motivation, but those friends are very far and few between.
I’m a fighter. I think my lack of a filter and word vomit also stems from the general lack of sleep that I always seem to be experiencing. I’m always on edge. I always feel like I’m two toes over the edge looking down the black abyss below me – and because of this stress, this insurmountable stress, I just say whatever it is I feel is necessary. I say it because to me there’s nothing more important than honesty. However, it’s foolish. Learning to better myself, learning to control my temper, my quick, sassy tongue is not only in my best interest, but a necessity. I’ve got to learn to relax, I’ve got to learn that vomiting all over the place is not only disgusting, but unattractive. I’m going to learn that sometimes it’s better to just breathe and know that it’ll all be okay. Sometimes, it’s better to count to ten and smile.