October is undoubtedly my favorite month out of the year. It’s filled with pumpkins, nutmeg, foamy lattes, football, foliage, festivals, damn good beer and my favorite, yet hardly participated in holiday, Halloween. I’ve loved October since I was a little kid and love it now for all the amazing components of October. However, Halloween is coming up and I’m very excited.
Halloween was my favorite holiday from ages of little bitty to about the age of fourteen. I’ve gone as a witch, a TMNT, a Spice Girl (Baby Spice, actually, and dressed in a weird nightgown that went down to my knees – don’t ask. Only Holly will understand), a hippy and other random, innocent costumes. The sad part is that the last time I actually dressed up for Halloween was over ten years ago. I do believe that the last time I went to anything that involved Halloween I went as a “Fire Goddess” or something absolutely ridiculous. I remember it because I had a total crush on this boy and really wanted to impress him. So this ridiculously long, flowing red dress, gold belt and head band that smelled like awful, compressed hot plastic, complete with a gaudy amount of make-up was supposed to do the trick, right? I mean, who doesn’t think a fourteen year old girl pretending to be THE Goddess of Fire is totally freaking awesome? Oh yeah, that’s right. Everybody.
I remember showing up to that Halloween party getting my first, and ultimately last, taste of what Halloween is about for the ages that sexual attraction is no longer expressed by punching and hair pulling (unless… O.o) but by kissing and hand holding, and boyfriends oh my! In retrospect, it was hilarious, because it was a party that I had to walk to. Naturally, I was just so excited to actually be invited that I ran to it. Sweat combined with enough make-up to add ten pounds to my overall body weight always makes for absolutely stunning looks. Glamorous! Just glamorous! I showed up and every girl there was dressed super cute – one girl, who is still absolutely adorable to this day, was dressed as Dorothy. Honestly, I don’t remember many of the other girls – the only thing I do remember is that I felt ridiculous and absolutely out of place. I mean, I was trying to be “sexy” (really, wtf?) but I forgot that the only way to be SEXY is to show a little skin or cleavage. Of which, I had none at fourteen. “Roses are Red, Violets are Black, Why is your front as flat as your back!?” Hardy har-har. It was much like the scene from the movie Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan when she goes to the Halloween Party and says to herself upon arriving dressed as a dead something-or-another “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” I honestly just thought that this was something that only middle/high school girls did. Boy, was I wrong.
So, Halloween is coming up. For the past ten years I have been so completely, utterly busy over Halloween that I’ve really not had a chance to participate in any Halloween festivities. Last year I went to an AFDC Fall League End of Season Party that just happened to be a “costume party” but, for some reason or another, I don’t really count it. Maybe it’s because it was a frisbee party, which to me is a different type of party all in the same, or maybe it’s because it was in November. Although, I did dress up. Honestly, I just forgot about this party and just now remembered that I participated. So yes, last year, technically I dressed up. I went as Britney Spears from her music video “Me Against the Music” with Madonna. It was a last minute decision at fall league games that day and it was the easiest (and cheapest, thank you thrift stores) costume I could pull off.
This Halloween coming up though has been an interesting eye opener as I have been actively planning to dress up as something. I think, after the ludicrous costumes I’ve stumble onto, I’m going to go as Cowboy, with boots, jeans, hat and fake guns on my sides to go “BANG BANG!” with. Full on cowboy complete with swagger, zero cleavage and total bad-assery. However, for the compelling argument of awful Halloween Costumes, I’ve made a list of the top 10 most awful costumes I’ve found:
10. The Sexy Nurse Costume:
Really? This is still a Halloween Costume? Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?
This Pamela Anderson look-a-like costume is the quintessential notion of stupid to me.
I’d imagine a conversation going something like this:
Sexy Nurse: Derpity derp derp
Guy: Derpa Derpa
Sexy Nurse: You wanna derp?
9. The Sexy Baseball Player: This one gets added simply because of the ridiculous shoes and the #69 Player on the back of The Jersey. Gag me with a spoon.
Note: A League of Their Own was probably one of my most favorite movies growing up as kid and my favorite line in that is “Dirt in the skirt, Mae!”
This costume though, well…yeah.
Also, see the Sexy Grand Slam Costume.
8. The Sexy Cop
Ha, ha. I don’t even have to comment on this one.
Okay, I will.
Sexy Cop: derpa derpa, you’ve been a very bad boy.
Boy: …..yes, yes I have.
Can I have those boots please?
Also! In case the Sexy Cop isn’t for you, you can always try the
SEXY FIREFIGHTER! Super hot.
….or, this one...which admittedly I find a little clever.
7. The Sexy Pirate:
Okay, this one is actually kind of cool.
Kind of. I said…kind of. Maybe I”d consider it with some leggings to keep my ass from hanging out.
Maybe a combination with this one – The Sexy Sea Wench.
6. The Sexy ROBIN HOOD?
Okay, you’re kidding me right?
Rob from the rich to give to the $60.00 plus shipping you’ll need to look like you’ve been a rough and tough outlaw doing unlawful things for the good of the people.
Oh, and don’t poke anyone’s eye out with that “thing” that I’m sure you’ve not a clue as to how to use, or even what it is!
Also, another favorite Robin Hood costume.
5. The Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (Leonardo)
This. makes. me. sad.
That is all.
This one is just freaking lazy, but also saddening.
Yeah, because when I think totally awesome super hero I clearly think of Robin. In high, ridiculous boots.
For some reason this outfit also reminds me of the SNL Skit, The Ambiguously Gay Duo. Don’t ask me why, I’m not really sure.
(Here’s your Batman, Lady’s and Gents!)
3. The Sexy Catholic School Girl
Hasn’t this one been done? Over and over and over again? Seriously.
The only thing this costume has going for it is that the model is super hot.
I bet what ends up happening more closely resembles this, totally awesome, amazing costume that I cannot stop laughing at
Either that or this costume tries to pull of the Britney from “Hit me Baby One more Time” and fails miserably. At least when I did my Britney Costume I was wear pants, suspenders and zero cleavage.
2. The Cheerleader (More Appropriate Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader)
Okay, I’d rock this costume. This one is kind of awesome.
But what I imagine most girls dressing up as cheerleaders they look like
2. Zomg, wth.
But the prize for the most hilarious, most GOD AWFUL female costume goes to……
THE SEXY NEMO COSTUME
because clearly, when I think sexy, I think of a freakin’ Pixar movie about a clown fish being separated from his dad.