I’ve been at a loss for words lately. I’ve been simply lacking motivation to post. I’m not sure why – be it that this blog started off as a way to communicate more openly about my divorce, and that my life felt as if it was a failure, but it’s morphed into something more. As I said a few posts ago, this blog is now my baby. It’s taught me, like children often do, about the things that are really important in life. That my life isn’t a failure. That I’m not a failure, and I’m not broken. That I am strong, confident, bold…right? I am these things?
I just don’t know how to cloth it anymore.
It’s behaving terribly, like a child who is kicking while I’m trying to put socks on it. I don’t know what to say to make everything come out as it should. People suggest different focuses – talk about the divorce more, but why? That’s just ridiculous. It’s over and done with. No need to lament on things, right? Talk about your mom more – but it upsets me. Tell more stories, or make up stories about things. But, why? They are old, they are stories, they could be lies that I’ve fabricated in order to make myself feel and look better than I am. They aren’t, but still.
I’ve started so many different posts over the past few weeks, but I’ve not published any of them. I’ve written, and stopped. I write, then erase, and write some more. Then delete the post. Then re-write the post. Then delete it again. Everything I write sounds so trite, even to myself. If things sound so trite to even me, then it must be really bad, right?
I was launched, like the little mouse, by a huge catalyst, like the kitten. I went soaring through the air, scared out of my mind, and without any sense of direction. Who am I? Where am I going? When do I land?
I’ve had a lot of thoughts floating through my head lately, and things that I’ve been afraid to let out because of various reasons. Like, why I put myself in certain situations. Why I won’t give myself a break. Why I’m afraid to let go and trust people, wholeheartedly, with all of me. Why I’m afraid to tell my mom when she upsets me. Why I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. Why I feel apathy, or energy, or remorse, or excitement. Why I wasn’t sad when my Pop moved to Florida, permanently. Why it is that I don’t feel terrible when I hear that my brother is struggling, and why I refuse to help him.
Someone posted on my Facebook wall, after my status contained the update about the very scary sequence of dreams that I had – being a mom, then my dad having to drown puppies – and she said “LOL Sam. Your brain is a dark place I don’t think I ever want to visit.” My response was appropriate. That anyone willing to venture deep inside my brain, and my thoughts, are greeted with warning signs, with flashers, and barb wires surrounding it. My thoughts are just that – dark, mysterious, and often terrifying thoughts that don’t make any sense. Babbling nonsense, much like a child – welcome to my brain. It wont shut off at night. I wont let me sleep. It makes me question everything. Everyone.
That is, really, until recently. Recently, my thoughts have changed. I’ve avoided the nothingness, the “everydayness” that I never wanted to experience. I feel like I’m on the horse, just a little sideways, and not completely aligned. I’m almost there, almost to the top, and almost ready to really just let go of the reigns and go charging forward with my feet in the stirrups and my hands spread out wide. I’ve also become a lot smarter about things, and I’ve learned that I cannot control everything. Sometimes, a lot of times, not knowing the answer or knowing the solution is a good thing. I’ve always wanted to fix things. I’ve always felt this compulsion to make change, to act on change, to be the fixer – but that’s just so undeniably stressful that I now know how pointless it is. I’ve learned that questioning everything is pointless and that being willing to take the risk of trust, of love, of friendship – it’s all part of life.
Sometimes things are worth it to just let it go. Some things were never meant to change. Sometimes the memories that seem to always replay in your head, over and over, are meant to be there and remind you of the lessons you’ve learned. Like the time you accidentally said exactly what it was you were feeling, and the emotion of joy that was supposed to flood your body was instead flooded by guilt. Or when you did something so outlandishly stupid that you cannot forgive yourself, and that scenario plays itself over and over again. Or the haunting memory that plagues you from when someone was so incredibly cruel to you. Or when you let someone, or something go, that you know you should, but didn’t want to. Or when you let someone in, maybe inappropriately, but it felt so damn right.
Or the time I said “I love you” when it may have been too soon.
Or the time I learned to trust you, when I wasn’t sure I could trust anyone ever again.
Or the time I cried when I felt my heart breaking and I didn’t know where to turn.
These things are never meant to go away – they may fade, as time heals virtually everything, but the overall end result is that they are there for a reason. They are meant to be a building block, a learning tool, a guide to help you become a better person. I’m not religious, I don’t believe in God (there, I said it – I don’t talk about Religion much, it’s not polite) but I do believe in the greater good. The greater good to push yourself to be the best you can be. To be kind and compassionate to others, and lend them hands when they need it. People work in mysterious ways – we are all different, with different ideas in life, and we should listen to what everyone has to say. I don’t think people who believe in God are dumb; I think they are beautiful for believing in something that I cannot. I’m not say anything else about religion.
Aside from the nonsensical, rambling and babbling I’m doing….
I’m giving up on the meaningless things that stress me out. The things that I cannot change. The things that wont change, and I’m focusing on the things that I can work with. I’m going to give my undivided attention to things that mean the most to me. The things that make me happy. No more negative thoughts. No more negative energies. I’m going to try and clean up this scary little brain and replace the dark, twisted thoughts with things that are beautiful.
….I’ll write more stories.
…….I’ll work on my book
………I will love