Insanity is…

Albert Einstein says, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This isn’t a quote that I’m unfamiliar with. I’m sure many of you are in my boat in this regard. In fact, I think this is a quote that I learned early in my life in order to feel more knowledgeable, intelligent, powerful – it was the perfectly suave thing to say to someone. Does anyone have a tobacco pipe and a monocle? (I think I need one.) Do you ever remember being like this when you were in middle or high school? Knowledge sat freely on your shoulders as it was overflowing from your head. There was a plethora of knowledge spouting from you at all times and you were omnipotent. And your parents – – gawh, like they knew anything?

It’s finally hitting me. Maybe it’s because the older I am, the more I’m learning and understanding. And the more I’m discovering things about my life that I never knew before. Maybe it’s because I’ve found coffee – the creation that unlocks the inner most workings of my mind that allows me to spout out ridiculously intelligible ideas (haha, not), or maybe…

I was talking to my friend last night – she’s become one of my closest friends. I don’t make girl friends easily, mainly because I find most women to be hypocritical and can’t take honesty for anything, but then there are the few women that it’s almost like instant bond. She’s one of these kinds of girls. In fact, we have bond. If, when I’m 40 and she’s 39, and we are both hopelessly wandering in search of a mate, we will get married. I’ll sip latte’s and write, she can do sciency- things. . . . . It’ll be awesome.

Moving on – I was talking to her for hours last night while she kept me company in my journey around the greater North West Atlanta. We talked about all kinds of things –and then, I broke down. I’ve been feeling stir crazy lately. There’s this compulsion diving deep inside of me to breathe new air. To find new things. To go somewhere new. I’m having this inability to cope with the fact that I’m 25 and I feel like I’m stuck here. The stupid, money suck of a house I jointly own with the ex, the fact that I have a job that pays me, school – and I’m starting to feel….complacent. But it’s not complacent, because it’s not that I’m set in my ways and I’m content with this. I’m just stuck. Undeniably stuck.

Or am I?

She said to me on the phone, “Sam, do you know what the definition of insanity is?”

And of course I did – and do, and yes, and I replied to her – “It’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I love Einstein.”

But then it hit me – holy shit. I am insane.

That quote that I so humbly acknowledge, accept and understand is exactly what I’m partaking in. I get up, go to work, go to school, come home, watch tv, go to bed, homework, wah, wah, what…. Every, single, day. There’s some change in the monotony, as I fill my evenings with some change – ultimate, climbing, hanging out with boy, playing with kitten. It’s not so much my routine, or the people that’s in the routine, or the events that is in my life…it’s that I’ve been doing the same thing for five years.

I need a change.

I want to move.

She helped me understand something that I’ve forgotten and/or never really processed. I’m 25 living the life of a 35-year-old still with my big girl job. The ex, my parents, they all forced me into this life of old. This life of “having and maintaining a stable job, income, monotony is the only way to happiness.” It’s bullshit.

Taking a risk in life is necessary. Jumping head first into a situation and hoping for the best is a part of life. Sure, I could stay here and continue working, day-by-day, and continue feeling absolutely stir crazy – or I can partake in a huge, huge adventure. And why not? After all, we only live once. The beautiful thing about life is that there is only one chance. There is only one shot to make your life worth it. There is only one chance to tell the person you love that you love them, or to take the risk that may not have a reward, or to give yourself a shot at something new.

Insanity is thinking that it’s just going to happen to you without you actually getting up, moving on and trying something. Insanity is thinking that change will happen while you sift  through travel magazines, blogs about others adventures, love stories that are so ridiculous that you can’t help but go “awe, how sweet.” Insanity is thinking that your life is going to magically get better without you doing anything in it to make it that way.

A year ago I was in the worse place of my life. It was over. I knew it. It was in my stomach knocking down my throat telling me to “run, Samantha, run” and I listened to it. I sucked it up, and knew the pain that was going to happen, but knew that the road after it would be much more rewarding, and much more me. I knew what I was doing was insane and that the only way to get a different result was to do something different.

I told Jac last night. I’m ready, let’s go for an adventure.

… here’s to insanity! And here’s to me. I’m saving up, and I’m going to take the biggest risk of my life. I pissed away my early 20’s acting like an early 30-year-old (Thanks Larisa, for reminding me of that) and if I don’t experience my life the way I want to I will regret it when I’m older.

I want to breathe new air. I want to have a new life. A new adventure. New awesome. I’m tired of insanity, and I’m ready….




3 thoughts on “Insanity is…

  1. Good to figure this out now. I’m the 35 year old living like I’m 25 for the first time. She got the house, I’m getting the grad degree. And all the younger people I now know wonder if my gray hair is real or not. Btw, most of them think I’m 28!

  2. I breathe for you, and understand exactly what you mean. I had someone not believe I was 25, thinking I was 22, and asked for my ID. It was sadly flattering. An odd, wildly intoxicating emotion of “WTF?”

    I’m glad you seem to be on your feet!

  3. Pingback: Saved from Bears | ~ Dancing with fireflies ~

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s