I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately – what defines a person. More importantly, what do you want to be defined as when people think of you? Maybe I’ve been thinking about this lately because of the crazy amount of self-definition that has been going on in the social media. People labeled as hate-mongers, liberals, conservatives, Christians, atheists, hypocrites, hippies, ignorant, etc. People who are happy to be labeled those things, and others who are not.
Then again, maybe I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’m not sure what defines me anymore. For so long my identity was the overzealous full-time student and full-time employee with the “big girl job.” That zeal has changed and it’s become less. I just took 18 hours in the summer, and I’m taking 18 hours this fall, as well as 12 this Spring in order to graduate – but the complication comes in that I’m not sure if this is what defines me anymore. It feels more or less – typical? Perhaps it’s because I’m erring on the side of non-typical. I didn’t get the traditional college life – hell, I’m graduating with my undergrad at the age of 27. Not exactly the arm moving, fist pumping “hoorah!” that is usually accompanied with graduation. Maybe it’s because I’m on break right now and I get to sleep in every morning, wake up, drink coffee and then decide what direction I want to go in for the day. That sounds great, right? Honestly, when I was quitting my job back in April that sounded like the mothering jack-pot of angels singing and glimmer rain shinning down around my bed as I woke up at 10:30 every morning so refreshed. And for when that happened, it was like that – for a few days.
It’s just now I think about how I could be at work, and doing things for my patients. Or working in general, and bringing in money to make this journey a little easier on myself. Or I could be getting up and studying Spanish every day, because I hate Spanish, and my learning a second language absolutely sucks, but then it’s like I get this blanketed feeling of “meh” and I go run or throw.
I just don’t know what defines me anymore. For the first time I understand what time does in a person’s life – it makes you bored. And I realized how much I hate boredom. And more than anything, for the first time in my life I absolutely realize how unbelievably busy I was with full-time work and school, and have started to understand that it was almost like a high. Being that busy kept me going. I need busy. I need something.
So here it is – I come back to this question – “What Defines you?” And more importantly, what do you want others to define you as when they think about you, or tell someone about who you are? In high school, I had a friend Alisa who told her friend Alaina, “This is my friend, Sam. Don’t piss her off – it’s not good to be on her bad side.” In my office, someone introduced me to a new employee as, “This is Sam. If you can’t figure it out, she can.” Now I just feel like I don’t have that anymore. And I don’t know what I want to define myself as and I have a hard time thinking about what others would have to say in that regard.
I’m just going to go and play some ultimate – that always makes me happy.