The Christmas season is definitely upon us. There are only four days left until the fat man comes down the family chimney and brings all the good boys and girls Christmas presents. I remember mornings waking up to a Christmas tree so cluttered with Christmas presents that I didn’t even know where to start opening them. I remember one year I got a pink bicycle with white training wheels. The seat and handle bars had cup cakes all over it with little smiles in the frosting. I nearly killed myself on that bicycle, but that’s truthfully another story.
And it didn’t change – Christmas was the most materialistic holiday imaginable for my family. Sure, it was always about the family, too. It was always at my house in the morning with just my mom, dad, little brother and myself. But then, as if our Christmas tree wasn’t full enough, we’d then go over to my Nonnie and Pop’s where my Great Grandma would join. It was Christmas — it was a Christmas — it was Christmas mayhem. It was so ridiculous how, as a small child, I got so much. I never really looked back to see exactly how spoiled I was, but now, especially at this Christmas, it’s a smack dead in my face.
This Christmas is the first Christmas that I’ve not been able to buy things for people. And why should that bother me? Not being able to buy things for people? Isn’t the holiday spirit about spending time with people? About being around family? Friends? Why does it bother me that I feel so silly that all I’m capable of doing, and all I want to do, is make things for people? And then I worry that what I make wont live up to the expectations of the American Holiday Experience?
If anything, what has my past taught me about my future? Why does Christmas feel so … I don’t know … demanding? Maybe this is why I’ve begun to not like the holidays. More so, maybe this is why I’m so frustrated at the holidays. And maybe this is why I’ve been putting them off. And ignoring their existence.
Maybe it’s because the only thing I’ve bought …. has been school books.
I just want to snuggle. And to love. And kisses and happiness.
Merry Xmas y’all.