I have no idea what has gotten into me lately. I’ve written almost ten different blog posts only to never post them. They seem trite, trivial, pointless – I have no motivation to publish any of them. I’ve been wondering if what I was writing was juvenile; like the post that I wrote, “Like a Boss” where, after a month of living in my apartment, paying my bills, I still had money left over in savings and felt very proud of myself. Then it hit me. Why? Why do I feel the need to write about something so meaningless and something that plenty of people my age do on a daily basis? I’m not sure what the problem is – but I’ve been “motivationally” lacking motivation.
Let me also provide some clarity – it’s not just in the writing department that I’m seriously lacking, it’s nearly everywhere. This semester of school has hit me like a freight train. I start trying to study and I just simply can’t. It’s not even that I don’t want to, it’s almost like I start reading and my brain just says “nope – not gonna happen”. I want to do well, I have to do well, but all of a sudden it’s like a blanket of apathy has covered me from my head to my toes. I just don’t want to do anything. Last night I sat on my couch trying to study for this linguistics quiz I have tonight and just simply couldn’t get my head to function on studying.
What is wrong with me?
I’ve been trying to figure it out lately – and the only thing I can think of is that I’m overloaded with stress. I don’t know why because this past Spring was by far more emotionally stressful than this fall, but I think it has to do with needing a break. I think there comes a time in everyone’s life where you realize that you’ve pushed yourself to the point where there is only one thing left to do – fall. It’s what happens when everyone gets to the top of the mountain – the stagnant pause and then the slow, gradual downfall that just keeps speeding up until you hit rock bottom. Am I spiraling out of control? Am I headed towards the bottom?
So much of life is full of failed attempts, fruitless en devours, and graced admiration that amount to nothingness – but these are the things that make up life. In the words of Billy Joel, “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints.” I don’t know what I need right now, but I know that I want to make every second count. I’m thinking a beach. I’m thinking vacation. I’m thinking …I need some rest.
