Everyone I know hates making big decisions. Well, there are the few that I know who rather enjoy making big decisions, but we are going to pretend that those people just don’t exist right now. I’m talking about people like me, who ebb and flow over decisions tirelessly like the sea. The kind of people who feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and feel, as the deadline comes closer, that the world around them is going to force them into making that decision. It’s not necessarily necessary for me to dabble and waffle, it’s just required of me. It’s who I am.
As many of you know, and for those who have been reading my blog since I started it, I went through a divorce. You can read all about it if you haven’t already, but that isn’t the purpose of this post. I just spent a solid few hours catching up, in a cordial way, with my ex-husband who is doing quiet well now that we aren’t together. Things for the first time felt normal. We’ve had to talk now and then about various things – for example, the house that we still mutually own together and other nitty gritty handling, but it always felt awkward. Then again, I don’t know why it wouldnt feel awkward, or what else I would expect from it. I mean, it was a big deal. A big, expensive deal.
Today, however, was different. I’ve never wished anything ill upon him, nor he of me, we just simply didn’t work. We both know that now. Things about us were too different. I was too dumb to think I could change myself. Again, I’ve already said all of these things before, but the one thing I didn’t realize was how much better we both are now that we aren’t together anymore. We aren’t miserable, complacent beings who are running through the monotonous, day-by-day routine of the American Life – – we are enjoying the spontaneity that is the freedom we’ve given ourselves. Life is a gift, one that I’m quite enjoying.
I’ve been spending money on climbing – new shoes, chalk bag, gym memberships, traveling to Birmingham to climb – he bought himself … a motorcycle. I still cannot get over that. It was by far the most interesting part of the conversation today. I was both befuddled and amused, but couldn’t quite wrap my head fully around the feeling of “what. the. hell.” and instead, sat there with my head tilted, my hand on my chin and mouthing, “a…motorcycle?”
The moral of this story is that we are both better people now that we aren’t together. Sometimes the only answer is to go through a lot of crap, have a huge kick in the ass, and a big gulp of “wake the fuck up” before you realize how far gone you are and how far ahead you need to be. I was that ass kicking in both of our lives, respectively, and I’m glad that I did it. It was what needed to be done, for the both of us. He seems happier, lighter on his feet and more out to enjoy the things in life that he should have enjoyed all along.
I’m happy now. Very happy. I’m climbing, I’m doing things without guilt or worry that I’m going to have to explain why it is I’ve done something, bought something, or want something. I’m dating someone who is awesome and since I’ve learned so much about myself in the past year, I feel like I’m more honest and open with the new person than I was with the ex. The new guy is a better balance for me, who makes me happy even when I’m super grouchy. Which, for anyone know hows me personally, is hard to do. I think, in all honesty, I’ve been afraid to blog about Boyfriend because I still didn’t know how to put it down that I was dating someone. Maybe because this blog started off about my old relationships end that I thought it faulted to talk about the start of my new relationship? I don’t really have a full rationale for why I didn’t want to blog about it, but I feel refreshed now that I’ve written it down.
I’m happy. Very happy. The happiest I’ve been in a relationship. I’m dating someone who fits me and that’s been the greatest thing I’ve found in a long while. I’m myself, 100% of myself, with all that is my quirks and craziness, and he’s still there. It’s. awesome.