I’ve tried to write about four different times today and each time it was on a different topic. Then, I realized, all four of them can be written about in one post. Courage, strength, failure and lies.
Lately I feel like my life is a bit like a day time T.V. sitcom. I get one area of my life under control to find that another is just starting to unravel. As I’ve stated before, I’m reading Bird by Bird by Ann Lamott and in the last chapter I read she describes writing a book as putting an octopus to sleep. I think the very same thing can be said about life; all the legs of life are flailing in eight different directions, grabbing hold of one thing, not being tucked in, grabbing objects and distracting you with them – it’s a very real image and one that I definitely laughed at.
That’s exactly how I feel right now. It took a lot of courage for me to end a marriage and yes, it makes me a failure that I “quit”. Though, I had the strength to realize that I was falling victim to my own environment and I was starting to suffocate. It took courage to fight back for my life and to pull the pillow off my face. I’ve had people ask me, on more than one occasion, “When did you realize you were done?” and the honest truth is that I don’t really know. I don’t know when I realized that this was all going down hill and that the snowball was starting to get bigger and bigger; it was a gradual realization as I’ve said before. It’s over now, though, and I can breathe again – it’s great.
I’ve also had people ask me if I’ll ever get married again and the answer is a flat, straight and bold one. No. I won’t. I feel like marriage is a contractual agreement that enables people to act like complete jackasses and the only way to get out of it is by spending a lot (and I mean a lot) of money. I feel like there are so many people who are stuck in a marriage and completely miserable but are too afraid to “pull the trigger.” Or they are financially obligated towards one another and they can’t pay to get out of it. My God, it’s terrifying – but people stay in relationships for a lot of reasons, I’m just not able to do it. So, go ahead, have the ceremony, the white dress and the rings, but heaven forbid – don’t sign a piece of paper that makes you contractually obligated to deal with bullshit. It’s really not worth it.
So, now that I’ve got that part of my life under wraps, the newest chapter that is flailing about is the “trusting people” part. I wrote a post not too long ago about my layers of trust and how important trust is to me. I’m starting to realize that people’s intentions aren’t always what they appear to be and that people will. lie. to. you. to get what they want. It’s impressive, really, the way people are able to lie to your face and tell you things when it’s not really what they truly mean or want. I understand the importance of white lies, mind you, that sometimes there are things that are better left unsaid or that the truth is better left skewed, but a bold face lie is pretty damn impressive. I’m tired of people telling me “Sam, I just want to be your friend. You need friends. You need people to talk to about this stuff” when what they are really saying is, “Sam. I want you. I want to get in your pants. Sam. Look while I waive my left hand in the air all innocently while I try and molest you with my right.” It’s honestly sickening.
What I’m learning is there are more reasons for me to have barriers and walls up protecting me than there are reasons for me to trust people. I’ve got to learn who I am and figure out why people are wanting to be my friend now. Honestly, this sucks, because ideally I’d just like to be friends with everyone. But the truth of the matter is I’m finding that people always have ulterior motives. They always want something more and it’s really lame. Honestly, I appreciated the guy who sent me a text message and said “Hey, I see your single, wanna date?” and my immediate answer was, “No. Thanks. But I appreciate your honesty.” He may have been a little forward, but at least he was honest.
So, I’ve had the courage and strength to get out of one part of my life but now I’ve fallen into deceit and lies in another. Can’t life just be simple? Can’t people just be honest?